tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37571132183862122222012-02-16T14:24:07.370-05:00a journey of depressionKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.comBlogger321100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-24253880304298353712009-11-28T01:12:00.000-05:002009-11-28T01:12:59.542-05:00

ended up in hospital last week. soooo disappointed in not succeeding this time. i thought for sure it would work. it's been up and down since then, almost manic-depressive. i'm probably misdiagnosed. i don't even give a fuck anymore. just kill me now.

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-60968439813449120702009-11-04T22:30:00.002-05:002009-11-04T22:33:28.509-05:00

Feel so heavy. Dragging my feet and the constant babble in my head. i've noticed i've been talking to myself out loud- a lot. i don't want this separation from my husband but at this point i think i need it. There's nowhere to go but out. Everyone has suggestions but it seems like people just say things to shut me up. Feel so alone. Naked and burned. Those old impulses to inflict pain,

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-42262053590385295992009-10-22T16:51:00.000-04:002009-10-22T16:51:12.870-04:00

i am so grateful for some of the people in my life. i am not alone. i know i have people who truly love me and understand. Things are so conflicting and sad in my marriage but i'm going to be ok. i am not defective and unworthy of love and kindness. Life is hard sometimes but also beautiful and fun. It has helped me tremendously to focus on the beauty of nature. To be present with the people and

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-35197671347259560802009-10-12T23:05:00.001-04:002009-10-12T23:07:30.909-04:00

i think i started this blog to encourage myself and others that things can get better. Well things suck right now. My husband wants a separation. As far as i'm concerned, it's over. i feel so let down and empty. Feeling that it's all my fault and i've truly messed up my life and what's the point of living anymore. Though i guess my depression is better because i have no intentions of suicide. Not

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-64088578477566649162009-09-07T22:28:00.000-04:002009-09-07T22:28:07.227-04:00

i have a hard enough time dealing with the mental but when you add the physical, it really throws me down. (Unless it’s self inflicted or getting a tattoo) i hate being sick and sick. My dog got in a bad fight last night and i got my hands chewed up trying to break it up. Surprisingly i can still manage to type. Not that i can really type well anyway. So after i tended to the dogs, i got

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-83842417752406530792009-09-06T19:33:00.000-04:002009-09-06T19:33:39.126-04:00

The feeling of something inside rotting. i can't get comfortable and my head hurts. i could take a valium for that but then i would be completely useless. Though how is that really different from any other day? If only i could puke up and expel all the rottenness inside me. Then i could start fresh with no more medication and only healthy food and drink. i guess i will make some Jell-O and

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-79614829794834110002009-09-01T22:26:00.001-04:002009-09-01T22:27:23.860-04:00

So i think the Zoloft is sinking in. The last few days i have felt pretty useless and don't know what to do with myself. i have many ideas but no motivation...or courage, or confidence. my eyes and my body want to just rest and sleep. my mind wants to learn and organize and create. So i feel stuck in the middle...but sinking. Kind of feel like giving up. No more hope or plans for the future. i

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-51815612664685930312009-08-26T16:49:00.001-04:002009-08-26T19:24:46.994-04:00

Woke up this morning feeling hung over but i didn't drink. i actually haven't really felt like drinking at all lately. Probably the new Zoloft caused the headache and nausea, now i'm mostly nauseous and tired. My body is tired but i'm not sleepy. So i'm adding Zoloft and decreasing Wellbutrin. Not sure if i ever had Zoloft before. Whatever, they all suck and i wish i could get off meds. Tried

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-45819474059036288382009-08-24T20:30:00.000-04:002009-08-24T20:30:00.342-04:00

went to see p-doc today and changed up the meds again. Got out a pretty good cry and just sitting with it for now. Feeling blah and don't really feel like writing anymore.

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-23090463442402424022009-08-22T21:49:00.001-04:002009-08-22T22:03:20.822-04:00

i've been thinking of the Monty Python Holy Grail scene where they're calling to bring out your dead and the old man says, "I'm not dead yet. I feel better. I don't want to go on the cart!” So, thanks to a good friend who reminded me of what I've learned from Eckhart Tolle, i am feeling a bit better. My situation still sucks but i choose not to wallow in it or take it personally. It is what it

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-48225461833313817192009-08-21T13:18:00.003-04:002009-08-21T13:23:44.991-04:00

i just commented on another blog how it seems to me that there's a lot of depression going around. Granted, you are going to to find a lot of despair when reading related mental illness blogs but also i have noticed it in friends and family.i used to pay more attention to the moon and stars and maybe that's the culprit, i just hope it doesn't last much longer. the more depression i see in others,

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-5437677579145745622009-08-21T00:11:00.003-04:002009-08-22T23:24:49.326-04:00

i wish my blog could be so good. i feel so inferior! http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com/

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-77830360406441735112009-08-17T23:30:00.002-04:002009-08-17T23:33:49.037-04:00

I really need to figure out how to organize my entries and maybe add pics or whatever. I just feel so easily frustrated and distracted and I don't feel like reading instructions. I'll probably just stop and delete this whole pathetic blog.

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-88663625246666592032009-08-17T23:18:00.003-04:002009-08-18T00:53:00.767-04:00

went to the park today to do a tour and visit Hagrid. Felt an anxiety attack coming on being around all the people and kids but I focused on the animals to keep me balanced and calm. With the exception of Hagrid who was being a total punk-biting and pecking and screaming. Tried to work with him for awhile after the tour but it was really tense and I felt afraid which is new because I've never

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-45361862548700832472009-08-17T23:04:00.005-04:002009-08-18T00:54:37.740-04:00

Feeling a little better today. Spent some time with my cousins and I think it was good for me even though I really didn't want to go.Having major feelings of inadequacy and despair.Appointment tomorrow with therapist so that should help. I'm really hesitant to call my p-doc because he'll probably just want to add or switch my meds and I'm so sick of that. I do have a routine check-in in a couple

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-87070424742897399352009-08-16T21:45:00.005-04:002009-08-18T00:56:35.582-04:00

i'm feeling pretty depressed. Not sure i want to blog this but i want it out. Life is just shit right now for me. i'm really trying to just focus on the good things but it's so hard to do when i feel like this. Wishing i was dead. It's all in my head. Don't want to fucking cry. Who cares? I am so alone right now. Be in the moment but this moment sucks. Why am i such a loser? i really try not to

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-8367747097945461062009-08-13T21:40:00.002-04:002009-08-13T21:53:05.417-04:00

I'm not sure about this blog thing. And, I don't know what to do with my life!Should I go get some real food or just eat cereal? Do I want to write?...or not. How long will it take me to lose 10 lbs? I need a massage but not from a stranger. Can I trust people? My closet needs a makeover though I could throw something together. Will I ever stop feeling the darkness inside of me? Blah blah

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-32544000951086818502009-08-12T20:19:00.004-04:002009-08-18T00:03:06.135-04:00

Blue OctoberBlue October is a Texas indie rock band originally from Houston. The group has developed a rather large following in the Southwest and frequently draws sellout crowds. more...[via FoxyTunes / Blue October]Blue October- Into The OceanI'm just a normal boyThat sank when I fell overboardMy ship would leave the countryBut I'd rather swim ashoreWithout a life vest I'd be stuck againWish I

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-55813156300221731652009-08-12T20:00:00.004-04:002009-08-12T20:37:56.119-04:00

today was a good day-1 part successful therapy session.2 parts Eckhart Tolle.Mix well with "spa" music from Pandora and soak in warm bath of Epsom salts.Next, take 2 parts chilled Pinot Grigio,2 parts Quattro Formaggio.Sit and absorb, then add 3 parts Pepperidge Farm Tahiti cookies.Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now and looking forward to watching Lie to Me @ 9 pm.Got to give

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-69407480052053463662009-08-11T22:45:00.002-04:002009-08-18T00:20:26.117-04:00

start Welbutrin, wean Prozac. Feel like shit, ugly inside and out. My p-doc says I look good so therefore I must be OK. Is he serious? I guess depressed people are supposed look haggard and unkempt and not showered for days. He said he doesn't really support my pursuing disability. Thinks it would make me worse off because I would have no structure or responsibility. I tried to explain to him

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-12167069937077399962009-08-11T22:18:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:57:00.696-04:00

what the fuck is going on??? I should have titled this blog "depressedmore".I slept all morning. I could have slept all day. My poor dog has not been for a good walk or run in days. I feel physically ill.Tomorrow is my therapy appointment but I have no hope that it's going to do any good. I don't want to talk to anyone because I know all the shit that spews out of my mouth is stupid.My finances

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-82417848294926877012009-08-10T16:35:00.000-04:002009-08-18T00:55:10.167-04:00

I am so fucking depressed today. Can't even write about it now. fffffffffffuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-81230874967484199792009-08-09T21:34:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:53:24.319-04:00

Last night and into morning was HELL. I suffered a huge breakdown and have no energy right now to elaborate. Wrote a suicide note. Managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. Woke with weird energy. Mentally do not want to move but physically my body shuffles. Sat outside on the deck for awhile and tried to absorb nature. The birds and the clouds. Leaves whisping in the wind. Wish I could be simple.My

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-72517656028892931262009-08-09T21:04:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:57:18.516-04:00

was hit hard with some brutally honest feelings on Friday but didn't want to let them see me cry so I held back and tried to focus on other things. Wanted to get out of the house so went to dinner with a friend and spilled some guts. Had to take a valium but still didn't sleep well.Saturday my dog was in a bad fight and I blame myself and it was really unsettling. Let myself have a pretty good

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-24528506449074539252009-08-07T00:39:00.000-04:002009-08-07T00:45:36.132-04:00

do you realize how much you talk about yourself?do you always think about yourself?is my writing about you encourage this behavior?I'm not asking for you to pay any attention to mebut maybe others, maybe the dog, a tree.

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-35534245859129254762009-08-06T12:59:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:57:38.241-04:00

on the verge of crying today. It's stuck in my throat and my heart wants to burst. Not sure why I feel this way. I guess I can think of a few things...Just trying to focus on the moment.So heavy and ugly. Could this dress be any more depressing? Cloaked for a funeral.Maybe I should just let it out. Listen to music to sob to.later on that day...anger is poking me. Frustration and resentment. Do I

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-41323361726245087342009-08-06T12:42:00.002-04:002009-08-18T00:20:52.652-04:00

TOXINS-cigarettesmarijuanaEffexor, Cymbaltavaliumcoffeesugar......will I dieI want to detoxCleanse my brain but howWrite, cry, drink lots of fluidAlcohol-toxin or detoxer?cut, bleedI want to bleed it outA fucking blood transfusionEXORCISMscared and scarredscared to give inscared to stop......the drugs seem to be kicking in now......how long must I take itI can't take it allAm I alive?

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-91203746213514523862009-08-05T20:33:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:57:54.527-04:00

No fucking endto the pain in my headI wish I were deadjust to bleed on your bedand turn your sheets red

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-28301727751765801772009-08-05T15:16:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:58:27.352-04:00

Let's try this again.See, this is the monster of my depression. Or I should say this is just one of my monster's many personality traits-procrastination, no motivation, giving up. I had every intention of writing every day or at least a few times a week. Then I start telling myself it's stupid, nobody cares. But my monster cares. Cares to eat me up. Shut me up. Cares to stop me from writing and

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-28599484438117687582009-06-18T21:23:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:58:57.173-04:00

I have been out of work since April and feel like I have not done a damn good thing with my time. I've done plenty of cleaning and shopping and watching T.V. Oh, and sleeping. I have been sleeping a lot. I feel like such a loser but I can't seem to get out of my own way. I probably should try and go back to work but I've been hoping to take this time to get myself back "together". I want to take

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-37727091183307227792009-06-17T20:33:00.000-04:002009-06-17T21:08:29.317-04:00

I have been suffering from depression for most of my life, so it seems, and have decided to share my experiences in an effort to learn more about myself and possibly help others.Over the years I have written many journal entries, stories, poems, etc. Every day is interesting and sometimes a challenge. My writing can be brutally honest and disturbing so consider yourself warned. Mostly I tend to

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3757113218386212222.post-46796935751351464742009-06-16T22:46:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:59:13.565-04:00

just setting this up for today. My head hurts and I need to get off the computer, take my eyes out, and rest.

KChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01745484128473497234noreply@blogger.com0